A Happy Planet

That the pursuit of happiness could turn sour, seems … well,
an un-American thought, and yet it does.
Take “Hunky Dory World,” for example. You never heard of it?
I’m not surprised, it’s a planet at the other end of our galaxy.

On Hunky Dory, happiness is the law of the land and citizens
are commanded to be happy under penalty of death. A ridiculous
idea, you say? Yes, it is, but religious ideas could easily
become ridiculous impositions in a theocracy, especially, when
such ideas are taken literally. And Hunky Dory is a one nation,
one religion, one world theocracy ruled by the Supreme
Felicitous Council.

It’s said, in their Holy Book, that when the Supreme Divine
Prophet, Hilarious, was born, the twin suns which circle Hunky
Dory’s sky went dark at that instan— a double eclipse; a good
omen indeed, since darkness is a rare commodity on a planet in
a binary star system. From an early age, Hilarious’ smile, his
constant sunny disposition, his charisma, made him irresistible.
Crowds gathered around him. His followers wanted not only to be
with him, but to be like him. They asked for his secret formula for
happiness. He had none, but out of compassion uttered, what he
thought, were some harmless, self-evident truths:

“Suffering is bad, neither cause yourself, nor others suffering.
Happiness is good! To live happily, to make others happy, is
our sacred duty.
The only life worth living, is a happy life. I would rather be
dead, than live in sadness.”

He said many other wonderful things in his Gospel of Happiness,
but those above were the three main dictums that as interpreted by
the mad theologian, Naggingjuna, transformed Hunky Dory into a
compulsory happiness police state. On that draconian, happy
planet, there is no sickness, deformities, disabilities, ugliness,
madness, and no crime. And of course, no depression, or
unhappiness. Anyone found to be suffering from any of these, is
summarily put to death by order of the happiness tribunals. As if
this were not enough, the Reverend Naggingjuna exhorted all
citizens to be vigilant and kill any family member who they
suspected was unhappy, or caused unhappiness within the family
or state.

Outrageous, that could never happen on Earth, you say? Don’t be
so sure. Right here in some countries, women are killed by their
relatives with impunity for dishonoring their families. And what is
dishonor, but just a form of unhappiness? In India, thousands of
women are killed by their in-laws for giving birth only to
daughters. But these things are too sad to contemplate, let’s go
back to our happy planet.

As you can well imagine, Hunky Dory, is sparsely populated, and
this is a good thing on a planet where people prefer to live alone.
Even “happily” (what else?) married couples live in separate
households. And who could blame them? Imagine waking up a
little grumpy, and while sipping your coffee, having your spouse
cap you one behind behind your ear for your own good. On
Hunky Dory, to practice euthanasia is more than a religious duty,
it’s a passion.

But let me be fair, it’s not that cities in Hunky Dory are like
South Los Angeles. Although, euthanasia is the leading cause of
death, thousands of years of natural selection has bred a very
cheerful population, or at least, one quite adept at faking
happiness. True, when alone and unobserved, Hunky Dorians
could be moody and irascible, and their furniture bears the marks
of kicks and other forms of abuse. In reality, these people look
with deep nostalgia to their childhood, when they were allowed
to be as miserable as they wanted, when tears and tantrums
were considered normal.

Only the bravest of the brave dare live with another under the
same roof. Let’s imagine a breakfast conversation between
husband and wife:

“John, my dear, what’s wrong with you today?”

John puts his newspaper down, and gives his wife a concerned
look, “I can’t possibly imagine why you said that. I feel smashing!
Never felt better! I’m bursting with joy!” He burpes softly.
“Excuse me.”

“Hmm! Never mind, it must be my imagination. But frankly,
darling, lately… you don’t seem your cheerful self.”

“What rubbish, Matilda! If I were any happier, it would kill me.”
John laughs a little too loud. “Could it be that you are
projecting? Maybe, it is you who are unhappy and can’t face
the fact?”

“Oh, what nonsense! You are truly nasty, today!” She goes to
her bedroom and slams the door behind her. He goes to his,
locks the door, and begins packing.